Years as a Kendall player: 8 (2000-2008)
Best memory on the field: While being booked for unsporting behaviour in an Over-30s game being hit on by the ref and asked if I had the "silver shag magnet?" Despite saying yes I still got a yellow card. I also particularly enjoyed Keano repeatedly using slow-motion video replay in Tommy Doyle's to show my new girlfriend, and the rest of the bar, me taking my shirt off to reveal my slightly less than 6-pack physique.
Worst memory on the field: Leading Division 1 for most of the 2003 only to lose 1-0 on the final day and finish 2nd, closely followed by having my ankle ligaments torn in 2005 by the curly haired cnt who played in defense for Ronnie. If any of you come across the twat give him a good fcking kicking from me. Ever reliable Matty Armstrong started to before the ref intervened.
Best memory off the field: One of my girlfriends (in a non-sexual way) asking John Mc if he was gay because he had "hairdresser's hair" and yet still getting out of the Kendall alive.
Worst memory off the field: Being chased round the Providence Holiday Inn reception at 4am by some angry men who thought I'd eaten their bird's pizza. I was only there because that drunken twat Keano had passed out and wouldn't let me into the room. Come to think of it - just sharing a room with Keano should rank as my worst lifetime memory, Kendall associated or not. We did eat the pizza.
Favourite Kendall player and why: From a footballing point-of-view it was probably Vinny Mc because he made managed the impossible and made me look better than I really was. In the rare occasion I couldn't beat my man and lay it on a plate for greedy Sinclair I could always turn inside and Vinny was rarely 5 - 10 yds away giving me a simple pass. His departure left a hole in the midfield Rogers could never fill.
From a skill stand-point Alan Gordon never failed to amaze me. His ability to bend the laws of phsyics would have baffled Stephen Hawking let alone his team mates. Seemingly inevitable goals turned into strange clearances, 5 yard passes could go in any direction. I assumed he was working on some higher plan that probably didn't include us winning.
From an awe inspiring greediness view it has to be Mr 'air Trimmer 3000 Ian Sinclair. Against Ronnie in 2003 he dribbled to the goal line on the left edge of the 6 yard, and instead of playing a 5 yard cut back to unmarked me or John Mc, the greedy cnt hammered it at the keeper who deflected it in. "Fackin' typical" as alleged actor and user of mockney accents Colly would say.
Favourite Kendall quote:
Mike Tallon's opening speech in the 2003 season with all the players standing in a circle with the ball in the middle
"Look at the ball, protect the ball, caress the ball, the ball is you life, be good to the ball" - Motivational Genius.
Where are you now:It took them 15 years but finally my corporate masters Pfizer have figured out I all I do in the office is sleep off hangovers, so they're kicking me out. When I become unemployed I will divide my energies between panhandling in the Tenderloin of San Francisco and poncing off my Korean bird. Who doesn't love Korean BBQ?